I went to one yesterday and was so disturbed.

It felt like hazing...Everyone telling the mom she'd crumple up and die after the first contraction, even though this is someone who has done the Ironman.

Then the parade of baby containers

And the staunch advice that there is no way you should try to take care of the baby in the hospital, send it to the nursery so you can heal.

My friend looked mortified, and I remember my shower, which felt much the same way.

What is up with this in our culture? I'd like to do a folklore research paper on it...

So funny you posted this. I attended a baby shower this weekend in a very small town for my college roommate. She is due in 3 weeks. I left feeling so down. I was sad because all the conversations around me were "My son was 26 days overdue and 10 lbs... Nowadays they would never have let a mom go that long. They would have taken the baby much earlier and had more ultrasounds blah blah blah. " It was bad. All this while my friend opened presents for an hour and half non stop. Seriously. I kept thinking what the heck will she do with all of this stuff. Most of the presents were so impractical. I think she needed a Uhaul to get them all home.

I think I might not go to anymore showers unless its for my sister or sister in law. Geez they are depressing.

Mothers need faithful support, not a bunch of pink and brown polka-dotted hair bows. We talked about this before; AMY SHAM..... WE need buttons that say, "I gave birth at home" to wear to bb showers. OR "I gave birth drug free" THAT'll get 'em talking, OH BOY!

And lots of careful attention after the birth so she can rest and enjoy her new baby. Where is everybody then? Or do they just come to pummel the mothers and make them feel inferior.....

A hazing. that's exactly what some women do. Teasing and laughing is evidence of their DISRESPECT of LIFE and the continuation of family.

I always think, do you even LIKE your children? Why are you so negative about the process.... Maybe b/c it's what's been done to them, like slave subsequent generations literally beating their children with whips.....

Where's the LOVE? That's what I have to say.

I think it is just our need to have something to say. Most women experience medicated births and therefore they have that as their experience to share. I find when someone says they would like a natural birth in the midst of women who have not had this experience they are immediately met with those women's insecurities. "Oh you say that now, but just wait as soon as the ctrx start you'll be screaming for the epidural"...of course they say this, they need to feel like they had the meds for a reason! I think deep down even those who are okay with their medicated births feel like they were capable of more, feel cheated in some way when put up next to a mother who has achieved a natural, med free birth. It is a right of passage. In this bubble the right of passage is different...at the shower surrounded by her friends the right of passage is to quiver in the wake of the cntrx and give in to the meds, to experience the modern version of birth and to hate every minute of it.

I will be attending one soon and I have been wondering about these things since she is considering at this point a natural birth. It is hard to come up against all this well intended advice from friends and family. I sometimes cringe when I hear the things people say to an expecting mother, just awful sometimes. Maybe the best thing to do, especially for those friends and family we are close to, is to counteract the shower's message with a mother's blessing, occuring after the shower, closer to the birth where the focus is on the mother and her journey ahead and not on presents or silly games.

Ditto. ditto. ditto, Amy. I am going to a shower this weekend too (funny how we are all going to them right now). I think my 'come back line' will be, "Amazing how they remember every detail, huh? THAT'S how important birth is. You do what YOU want and it WILL happen."

Amy, you should so write a research paper about this! Showers *are* a cultural ritual. I want a different kind next time.

I started thinking about this the other day in a different way --- what if Babies R Us started carrying a dozen varieties of cloth diapers and no disposables. Or a bunch of different kinds of carriers, but no "containers" (I love that phrase :) So many women are ushered into motherhood through the rite of consumption, having the right stuff, and for so many first-time moms, unless they know someone who does things a little bit differently, they can't imagine themselves as mothers in any other way. I really didn't think it was possible to exist without the infant seat/carseat because I didn't know a single person who didn't have one. I bet a lot of women feel that way about epidurals!

We need new traditions. And to be telling new kinds of stories.

Amy I second that idea! What a great piece. There are so many things in a shower setting that hit on this skewd view of birth and motherhood. We tend to gloss over the real important things and put too much emphasis on the things that really do matter. Everybody showers mom with bottles, diapers, blankets, strollers, cribs, noopies, expensive baby bedding, clothes, clothes, and more clothes. All this stuff is nice but it discourages things like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, and the fact that all that really is needed is love and patience to survive that first year.

What would you put in a natural friendly mothers gift basket? What things can support things like a peaceful natural birth, breastfeeding, and so forth?

I also hate the focus of a shower is only on the baby and the presents. There is not much at a traditional shower that focuses on the mother to be or the upcoming birth. What things can a guest at a shower do to sway the focus on the mother and birth?

I also hate the focus of a shower is only on the baby and the presents. There is not much at a traditional shower that focuses on the mother to be or the upcoming birth. What things can a guest at a shower do to sway the focus on the mother and birth?

We did a poem with the letters of the baby's name and the women took turns reading them to me. It was really sweet. I gave prizes to the funniest one and the one that made me cry.

L-ovely baby growing stronger.
O-ne fashioned perfectly by God.
I-nside her mother not much longer.
S-oon to see the wonderful world.

Well something like that... :)

You could co around and ask the women to tell the best memory they have of their baby's birth? Or their wishes for the mother's labour and birthing.

I had a traditional shower for my first pregnancy. But for my second, my best friends, mom and sister all met at a restaurant and we had great conversation. I did get a few gifts, but they were so perfect and just what I needed and wanted. It is one of my most treasured memories during Luke's pregnancy.

I went to a shower this weekend for a friend my husband's wife. She delivered their son at 28 weeks. The shower was a bit awkward but she got all kinds baby holders and dress up clothes. I thought it was a bit insensitive to give her clothes. He is under 3lbs and a month old. I gave her a Moby and some natural baby skin care in a storage basket. They played that stupid candy bar in a paper diaper game...so gross.

I get tired of going to them. I feel out of place. All the bottles, pacis, clothes, and baby holders are just too much. Rarely does anyone give something meaningful or even thoughtful. Just random things from a baby registry. All the horror stories are a bore. I just smile and try to ignore them. Usually I just end up standing by myself because none of the conversations are interesting to me or if I try to get into one they look at me like I'm nuts.

I'd love to have a second shower for a second child but I've never been to one. It's just not done in my circle of friends or my family. i don't get why second children (or third...) aren't welcomed into the family with as much fanfare as the first. I'd like to have a welcome to the family get together but then everyone would want to hold the baby...not gonna happen ;) We'll see.

I hosted a shower a few months ago for a friend of mine. Her SIL and I put it together. There were only a handful of people there. I was the only person not a member of the family. It was very nice and calm. The children played and we hung out. No dumb games. No horror birth stories. Most of the moms there and I shared an OB as was the expectant mom. Two had unmedicated births and two had epidurals. It was very nice. The expectant mom already bought all the big stuff (bit of a control freak, it's why we get along) and didn't really do a registry, so we were able to give her meaningful things. I asked that people not wrap gifts or use gift bags. I also asked them to include a favorite book with well wishes for the family written inside.

It's just gotten out of control with the stuff. You don't need all of that stuff. You need someone to cook, do laundry, take the other kids to school, do the grocery shopping, entertain the other kids, do some things on hubby's honey do list so he can spend time with you and the baby, clean the house...STUFF like that.

Nichole